Working It Out or Working Through It?

I have become restless of late. I want more. I see more. I feel more restricted by time than I ever was, and that puts a fine point on the need for focused creativity. A friend told me knew I could 'work through it' and come out fine. I'm not so sure I want to.

What does one do when the clock is ticking and there are piles of assignment work sitting there in the in box, a slew of clients needing their work done. The specter of one's own work languishing is ever present. It haunts us in the wee hours and just before sleep.

I can see what I want. I have it closely held in my minds eye. If only it was able to be produced without the need for others who are simply as busy as I am. Time. Schedules. Bah....

It is one of the reasons that I stopped writing music. It simply became too difficult to get it played. I had some clout at the University that helped me for a few years, but that changed significantly after being away for so long. Trying to get seven woodwind players to look at a score, let alone play it... well... was a task that I simply couldn't manage. Not on the time allotted when there were other obligations. And so the pen and ink and onion skin was set aside for later.
There is no later, of course.

Time is even more elusive now than then. While I have more work than I know what to do with, I have even less time. I recently faced a moment that reminded me that time, was not as malleable in life as it was in music. I could move time and rhythm in ways that was unexpected there. Both in the classical and jazz genres. Split it, move it, modulate it... at least it seemed I could. I cannot change time, nor slow it down, nor ask for a reprieve of even a few days. Where's the damned rewind button?

But I gather my armaments once again to enjoin time in battle. One that I will most definitely not win in the end, but in the battle I may sneak past its seemingly impenetrable gates for a small victory here and there. Kind of like a guerrilla force of one. Rambo with silver locks. I can move pretty quickly for a fat guy. I'll score a hit or three. Then we may have to call a truce for awhile. Time will remain mute on the offer, and I may need a nap.

This may be a lot of fun, at least that is how I see it. Challenges are always fun if you see them in the abstract. Something has to be overcome, now let's see how to do that. That's called working in out. Making plans, summoning allies, careening through barricades. We get to the end. We work it out. And when we get to the other side, things are different. Better we hope, but definitely different. The challenge was seen and we worked it out.

Working through it means we get to the other side unscathed and it is the same. I want change, desperately need change and working through the challenges to only remain constant is of no interest to me.

I want to work it out. Sounds more exciting, you know.