I am a lousy friend. I suck at it. I have aways enjoyed the company of friends, but as far as being a friend... well, I just suck.
Oh, I am loyal. Some say to a fault.
I don't steal or cheat friends.
I don't take their girlfriends, never did.
I will drive hundreds of miles to help a friend move.
I do more favors than my accountant likes to be aware of.
I love my friends. I do.
I treasure so many of them... and I let them down.
But... I never lie to them.
Never.
I have been lied to before. Ex-lovers, ex-friends, and ex-partners (some who stole over a quarter million from me.) Even people who I stuck my neck out for have lied to me.
Maybe it is me. Maybe I wear a big ol' sign that says "Fuckin' Idiot" on my shirt. I don't think I do, but the proof is in the fact that people I love lie to me. My kids lie to me. It seems that people lying to me is a national past time.
Now maybe I should just let it ride a little longer. For awhile. Just go along when the lie is spoken. I know it is a lie... I want to scream and pound my fist... but I let it ride. I allow the lie to go unchallenged, and all is good for me... peace, even though it is based on a false reality. Maybe that works for some people.
But that just doesn't work for me. I start to feel like they think I am stupid.
I am not stupid.
But when it is someone you love, you let it ride. The love is so strong and real and feels so amazing, and the rationalizations come fast and furious. Let it go... ... ...
Problem is, I have this other personal thing that has been with me for years. It is not a good trait and I am not proud of it. But once I have been lied to, I kind of start building a wall around myself. It starts slowly and builds to a major, bigass wall. And that just sucks.
Have you ever loved someone and not want to be around them? Hey... that is an amazingly hard thing to do. It is a hard way to live. I always choose the hard way (yeah... I played drums...). It is so hard for me to reconcile the feeling that they think I am stupid with the reality that I see right through the lies.
And, God, do I hate confrontations. I will just walk the block to not get into a confrontation. I am not talking about a fight. I don't shy from a fight. I would just as soon kick some ass as have a soda... but confrontations... the emotional ones... screw it. I will just go away and nurture myself back to the place I think of as healthy. Whether it is healthy or not is the subject for shrinks. It is what it is for me. I have done it several times in my life.
Looks like I gotta do it again. Maybe I will be better at it this time than the last time. (Practice makes perfect they say...LOL)
So sometimes people who I love see my backside and wonder why. I never tell them that I knew they were lying. I never confront them... I just leave. Sometimes emotionally, sometimes physically... sometimes both.
It is my way. Is it right? Hell, I don't know. At this point in my life, I don't really care. I am not interested in change at that level. Too much going on to fix me.
I do worry about those in my wake though. I hate to hurt people... even ones that hurt me. Whether intentionally or not, I always seem to get that part right... the part where I hurt them. That makes me a terrible friend. That part I do want to work on. But, maybe I am too selfish to make that effort... to put someone else ahead of my own anger and hurt. It seems like such an easy thing to do... "just suck it up, Don... be a big boy." Yeah, thanks... screw you.
I love love. I love being in love. I am good at it. I really am.
Sometimes being in love is all you need to kick your sorry ass into some serious creative shit, man. The thrill of it... the monumental emotions. I create when I am in love. I also create when I am devastated. I guess the middle ground is where it gets too stable... too 'firm' for my tastes. For my creative tastes anyway. So maybe that is what I do... sabotage the stable for the 'risk factor' of the destruction... a firm platform for creativity is the emotional roller coaster?
Maybe I do that. Maybe not.
This will be my last blog post for the foreseeable future. I do have some work to do, but I also have to figure out some things in my head. (Trust me, if you could see inside my head, you would know exactly what I am talking about.)
If you want to catch up with me over at www.lighting-essentials.com, that would be great. But that site is about stuff and this site has always been about me. I don't think 'me' has anything to say for now.
I will leave you with these lyrics from a song that I absolutely adore. May your life be full of joy and I hope to see you again sometime on these pages, but alas... we will see, gentle reader, we will see.
"... But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy
Maybe, maybe
Chorus:
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding..."
5 comments:
Makes me wonder... how do you treat yourself, unspoken, in your head? Do you lie to yourself, cheat yourself? Are you grateful for what you do, or are you internally bashing yourself?
Usually other people treat us like we ourself think of us in our head. People are extremely good at picking up what we think of ourself, and doing the same to us. Subconsciously, they don't even notice. They just treat us like we treat ourself.
So maybe you should go deep inside yourself, and have a good look how you treat yourself. An honest look.
Good Luck.
I'm going to miss the one honest blog in my Google Reader. I hope you are able to come to some kind of resolve...something you can live with. I'll think some good thoughts for you and hope everything becomes clear for you.
Good luck!
-JG
I know exactly how you feel, I have family members who couldn't tell the truth if it sat on their face, it's a sickness they have I'm convinced. It has nothing to do with how I see myself, and everything to do with how they see themselves. I have that same wall around me, I hate it but I don't know how else to protect myself from them. If I confront them, I'm the bad person, even though they are the liars. If I say nothing and just add another brick to the wall every time they lie to me, It's better.... I think so anyway. But I don't feel like a dumb idiot. I know the truth and when they lie to me, I nod my head and say "Oh REALLY" in a very sweet ever so understanding way, so if they are smart.... they know that I know. It works for me.
If I may I'd like to ask a question about lighting? What do you know of the Old Hollywood Clock System?
Thanks, I love your stuff.
Hang in there! I enjoy stopping by for a read ever-so-often
don,
Thanks for the view behind the camera...
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